Friday, April 6, 2012

Why Steven Seagal Sucks Worse Than Elvis

I never liked Elvis.
He ripped off black musicians.
He convinced Ed Parker to give him a Black Belt.
And he was an informant for the Drug Enforcement Agency, which is why we see this picture of him and Tricky Dickie Nixon shaking hands.

You see, Elvis the drug-addled tub-o-goo was so incensed by the wave of successful British rockers that he went all authoritarian-cop and ratted on fellow musicians.

Fast forward to Buddha-belly Steven Seagal, "The Lord of Pasta" (thanks Bob).
Seagal has allegedly rubbed coke-noses with CIA-types, Mafia-types and drug running CIA-Mafia-types.

See "The Company He Keeps; The Mafia, CIA and Steven Seagal".

Like Elvis, as Seagal's career failed he turned to Narc status and began working with fascist Sheriff Joe Arpaio on the Arizona border.
Here's an update on Seagal's rogue cop shtick from "The Guardian" via "Raw Story":

" Yes, it’s the return of Officer Steven Seagal, this time making sure the US-Mexico border is safe for law-abiding citizens – no matter what the cost.

Actor, director, philanthropist, aikido sensei, blues guitarist, Buddhist lama, international environmental diplomat, sheriff’s deputy, energy drink creator, Texas border guard, and current defendant in a lawsuit alleging he killed a puppy after driving a tank and a full Swat team into an Arizona farm in the course of busting a cockfighting ring … if there is a celebrity more endlessly rewarding than Steven Seagal then do be so good as to produce them.

In the meantime, we return to developments in the existence of the foremost Lost in Showbiz untouchable, a man of whom an eminent Buddhist leader once observed: “All beings have within them the potential for becoming Buddhas. With Steven Seagal I perceived this potential to be particularly strong.” To this end, the head of the oldest sect of Tibetan Buddhism formally recognised the Under Siege star as a tulku – a revered reincarnation of some 17th-century sacred treasure revealer – declaring that “it is possible to be both a popular movie star and a tulku“.



But it is a 2011 operation under the same aegis that has landed Seagal in the legal hot water to which we alluded earlier. The facts, such as we know them, are these. Suspecting a man of being involved in cockfighting, Arpaio’s office mounted an assault on his property that featured between 30 and 40 fully armed Swat officers, the entire county bomb unit, a bomb robot, canine units, the use of explosive devices, and a camouflage-geared Steven Seagal driving into his house. Literally – Seagal was in a tank. “All the sheriff’s office had to do was to call my client and ask him to meet with them,” the man’s lawyer said. “But this common sense does not make for good reality television.”

So last year, said client filed a suit accusing Seagal of killing his children’s puppy during the raid, and he has now lodged papers suggesting the force used in the operation was excessive, given that portions of the house were destroyed. I’m afraid there simply isn’t space to get into the Seagal camp’s claims that the roosters found on the farm had been genetically modified – suffice to say that all the birds were killed. And that it’s unclear whether this was effected via a standard euthanasic procedure, or an improvised weapon such as a pool ball in a bar towel (Out for Justice) or a microwave oven (Under Siege)."

For more on the immense gravitational pull that is Steven Seagal's ego read the full Guradian / Raw Story article HERE,

And "The Company He Keeps; The Mafia, CIA and Steven Seagal".


Bob Patterson said...

Do you think Lord Seagal will pass away while taking a dump? It would be so Elvis if he did!

Bob Patterson said...

To add: Have you ever seen Bubba Ho-Tep?

It's lewd, semi-political, and hilarious!

Sean C. Ledig said...

I like Elvis, but it's still a great column.

But I disagree that he "made" Parker give him a black belt. I read an interview with Bill Wallace where he said Elvis' black belts were a quid pro quo from Parker. Parker knew about marketing and he knew a connection with Elvis would attract lots of students.

Dojo Rat said...

Marketing, good point...

And I did see Bubba Ho-tep a lont time ago...

Andrew J said...

Al Tracy wrote about Elvis's black belt.

It's an interesting story

Dojo Rat said...

Thanks Andrew
That's a lot to chew on!
I'll review it and that may make for a whole new post.


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Eddie V said...

How can anyone especially a trained law enforcement officer, take Steven Seagal seriously? This guy is the epitome of a delusional fraud. I swear if Steven Seagal killed my puppy, I would find and hide his Dunkin Donut frequent member card until he replaced my puppy! F**k You Steven Seagal, you cold blooded puppy killing lard ass!

Anonymous said...

While I agree Seagal sucks, Elvis is the King you little shit.

Anonymous said...

Elvis was better than those black musicians he supposedly "ripped off." He actually improved on them.