Four Guys I'd Like To Have Kick My Ass

Pat Parker

1. Pat Parker, Mokuren Dojo
Yes, mild-mannered health professional by day, but a terror on the Dojo Mat. Pat was one of the first Bloggers I met through this crazy interwebtube thing. He has put up with my endless diatribes and shit flipping and always remained a gentleman and friend. Pat specializes in Judo and Aikido, but Pat wouldn't be so nice as to use Aikido on me, He would repeatedly body-slam me with powerful Judo techniques until I puked up my last Beer. Then he would carefully explain to me exactly what he did and write it up for his next Blog Post.
I love Pat.


2. Wim Demeere
So for the first time in my life I would actually get on an airplane (no kidding) and fly all the way to Belgium to get my ass kicked by another redhead. They'd better at least have pretty girls there. Wim is an expert in "Combat Sanshou", author of several books and a video series. Wim would probably film himself kicking my ass. His superior conditioning would grind me into a puddle of my own urine while he quoted scenes from Jean Claude VanDamme movies. Then he would take us out for some really, really good local Beers, even if he had to push my wheelchair.
I hope to meet Wim someday.


3. Sensei Strange
Sensei Strange is my distant relative by some freak of nature, my long-distance little Bro. He wrote me to inform me that he is a younger, stronger, and trimmer version of me. Well, then get out there and split some firewood for me, Dude!
When we meet for our match, it will be on Strange's turf. That's because he is a Magician, and he has sneaky gadgets hidden around his Dojo To confuse me. We would face off, he would hypnotize me, and then take the cold Beer out of my hand and drink it himself. Bastard! Before the spell was lifted, he would pull one of those party stunts where he paints Japanese Kanji on my forehead so everyone could point and laugh at me when I snap out of it.
I would spend the next two years on my remote undisclosed Island hideout reading Madame Blavatsky books to steele myself against his Magician's powers.
- Now get out there and mow my lawn, whippersnapper!


4. Loren Christensen
Loren doesn't mess around. He's one of those Rip-Tear-Shread guys. Loren is also a prolific author and video producer. Loren has been training in Martial Arts since 1965, when I was still watching "Sesame Street".
When I was in Portland, Loren was the head of the Gang Task Force for the Portland Police, and was well respected. He's obviously knocked his share of Dirtbags around, so he'd have no trouble with me. When Loren and I face off, I will simply tear off my own ear and bite a large chunk out of my left hand.
Then I would allow him to handcuff me while we had a long discussion about Portland in the good-old-days, and what went wrong in my mis-spent youth.
I would love to train with Loren sometime.

Anybody else up for the challenge? Huh? Huh?...